im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
