Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
