Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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