I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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