never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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