I'm so fucking centered right now
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The uberlube is also flammable
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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