Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
