I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
