Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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