I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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