'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
