So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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