glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
