you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
