I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
