i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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