It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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