yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
