if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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