U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
