I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
