I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
