Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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