it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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