thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
