I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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