Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
