Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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