just tell him i said nine months
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
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I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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