Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
