Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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