I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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