Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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