and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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