im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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