Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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