There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
