LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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