so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
