I hate your face
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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