I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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