I puked a lego.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
