dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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