your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
