Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
