On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
