I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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