i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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