I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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