I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
