can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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