i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize