I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's blow job season.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
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A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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